petty little things

i'm letting a lot of things get to me, when i know they shouldn't. stupid, little things that are really meaningless and staying with me and ruining my day. i finally figured out why that is, and once i did it was even more upsetting. my birthday is tomorrow, and this is my last one with my mom. we did some celebrating today, and even though i've never been big on birthdays, this one is so much harder. i just can't seem to pull myself out of this, although i can fool myself pretty well into thinking that i've got it under control. i stupidly thought it wouldn't be a big deal, and that i would be happy to have it with her; instead, i'm just breaking down. maybe tomorrow will be better, easier to deal with since we started celebrating today. it's just one more difficult thing to deal with in a long line of difficult things.

at my limit

i've been back on duty, and it's so hard. it's more that i've reached my limit. my first day back was the appointment with the new oncologist, but was unbelievably intense due to the getting mom out of the house and back in. since she's bedridden, it's always a disaster. we go for the next chemo treatment tomorrow, but i'm just so weary. her appetite is better, her communication is worse, and i'm not sure how much longer i can hold it together. i'm tired of this. i'm jealous of people who can do what they want whenever they want. i'm angry that we're still in limbo. i'm annoyed that my communication tricks are failing and that i can't understand a damn thing. i'm guilty that i have all of these feelings.

sooo relaxed

i haven't slept this well in more months than i can count. and to have restful sleep for more than one night is also unheard of in as many months. to know that my time is my own, my priorities are my own, and whatever i do which is not in my best interests only damages me, not anyone else, is freeing. not being on call, not worrying, not taking care of others-it just lifts some of the weight off my shoulders. i miss my mom, but every day it gets easier and easier to think of myself. since i'm still nearby, i don't have the same sense of worry that i would have if i were away. but i do miss the food-A is a fabulous cook, and it's nice when someone else picks up the grocery bill. i've made an appointment to get some 'brain candy' as D calls it, which also is comforting. there's been sleeping, lots and lots of sleeping; and television, my faithful mistress. who knew the sitcom 'reba' was so good? and today is going to be a great day-i don't even mind the nasty weather.. meeting D for lunch, shopping, doing some research for a paper, meeting friends for ethiopian, and then playing tennis all weekend. this is my idea of a good time.

cell phone calls

today i wasn't at the house, and wanted to talk to my mom and see how she was doing. i called my mom's cell phone because i thought it would be the closest phone to her (the other phones in the room are frequently lost in the bedsheets or around the house somewhere). her phone is rarely used, and no one answered, which i knew might happen.

the voicemail clicked in, and i hung up, but not before hearing a few of the notes of her voice on the message. it was completely unerving. then, later on i called back, mostly because i wanted to hear her voice from when she was healthy and could talk without hesitation and form complete sentences. it was amazing. i didn't believe it was the same woman.

thinking about it now, i start to cry; but earlier it was such a surreal experience that i couldn't really completely compute it. the message was from a different person, and it was recorded a lifetime ago. hell, even last week was a lifetime ago. but that's the only remnant i have of her voice from before the tumor spread and impacted the speech area of her brain, and the thought that at some point there's going to be no need to keep that cell line open just breaks my heart all over again.