at my limit

i've been back on duty, and it's so hard. it's more that i've reached my limit. my first day back was the appointment with the new oncologist, but was unbelievably intense due to the getting mom out of the house and back in. since she's bedridden, it's always a disaster. we go for the next chemo treatment tomorrow, but i'm just so weary. her appetite is better, her communication is worse, and i'm not sure how much longer i can hold it together. i'm tired of this. i'm jealous of people who can do what they want whenever they want. i'm angry that we're still in limbo. i'm annoyed that my communication tricks are failing and that i can't understand a damn thing. i'm guilty that i have all of these feelings.