hitting the wall

i'm exhausted. physically, i'm falling apart. mentally, i'm only hanging on my fingernails. i was lucky to have a whirlwind 36 hours in nyc, but now i'm even more exhausted than i was before i went. and the awful part is that the only way that this will change is when my mom dies. i just want everything to be the way it was, before the tumor flipped our lives upside-down. but that can't be; it can never be that way again. i'm tired of responsibility, duty, guilt. and all of this interferes with my quality time with my mom, which makes me feel even worse. i'm just so sad about the state of my life, of our lives, the lives of people who know us and love us and especially those who support me in ways that i can never repay because they watch the internal struggles and see the exhaustion written in every line of my face and in the defeated presence that comes over my body when i've left the house. sometimes it's just too much.

catch-22

what if the thing that causes problems is the one thing that absolutely cannot be changed? i've been sidelined for the past 4 days with a neck injury. apparently i'm so stressed out by the family situation that not only do i have a major heartburn, but my muscles are so tense that now i can't even turn my head. popping muscle relaxers only barely makes a dent, so i've been in bed for 72+ hours with a heating pad perched on my shoulder like a parrot. the nurse lady recommended a massage and trying to figure out a way to relax within this situation. i couldn't even come clean to my family about the reason behind the injury. how do you tell the people who need you the most that they are the reason for your pain? apparently i'm the only one that doesn't realize how stressed out i am. s and l sent me the most beautiful necklace, one i had been eyeing for a long time but couldn't convince myself to buy. and i almost dissolved into a puddle of tears out of a mix of joy and despair. i'm always amazed by the people who love me; they recognize things that i cannot see, and try to alleviate my problems in ways that remind me why they're my friends. it's heartwarming and sweet and even though i'm a mess (although i always assumed i presented a strong front) they love me and care about me. so now i'm going to try and relax before heading back to the house tomorrow. and i'll have my tagamet and heating pad in tow.