and the fight goes on

thanksgiving was much less painful than i thought it would be. just as i thought my birthday would be easier and was worse, this was the opposite. i did the entire meal, and it went really well. the saddest part was that my mom realized that she wasn't part of the preparations, and i could tell that had a huge impact on her.

all of my memories of thanksgiving are wrapped up in fighting with my mother as she panicked and stressed out about the meal. preparing it basically on my own (almost the entire meal), i realized that it didn't need to be as hard as she made it. i also realized that we've been martyring my mom these last few months, and that this memory of her fighting with us over the smallest, most asinine things is really the mom i remember. the way she is now, all sweet and funny and child-like is not the real her. it's so nice not to have to deal with that level of tip-toeing around just to try and avoid a stressful situation. but at the same time, those moments where my mom wasn't her usual type-a self or weighed down by burdens, self-imposed or otherwise,
were also good. i just wish there were more of them.

so, in the future when i make thanksgiving (which was a personal triumph), i won't panic. now that i've done it, which is frankly a milestone only to be attributed to my mom's brain tumor status, it's not so daunting. everyone will just have to be patient, because really, there's no rushing a turkey. it's done when it's done, and as long as you're fine with that, the rest will just fall into place.

stuffing (as in the kind that goes in a turkey)

every year growing up, my mother would make giant brand stuffing for thanksgiving. the best part was the little bit that got really crunchy because the turkey cavity was overloaded and the stuffing would attempt to escape. i always managed to eat that part before anyone else, because i was 'testing' it. last year, we wouldn't really let mom do much for thanksgiving because we were worried about her coordination with knives. this year, she's not even physically able to come downstairs and help make the meal.

so, A and i went to giant to find the stuffing. it was in a bag, not a box or a cannister; it has been in the same packaging since i can remember thanksgiving meals. this year, it was nowhere to be found. it seems that the stuffing has been discontinued. i almost became a crying mess in the grocery store because the symbolism was too overwhelming. no more stuffing, no more mother. i asked every employee i ran into if he or she happened to know what happened to the stuffing, and no one had an answer. finally, A and i found a loaf of 'herbed bread,' giant brand, that is supposedly intended for use as stuffing. it smelled like the correct item, but didn't have any instructions as how to make the loaf become a delicious mass of dense, moist flavor. we bought the bread, partially because A thought i was going to lose it, and partially because i truely think it's the correct item. we'll see how it goes, but moments like this are overwhelming.

last weekend, i went to a wedding. i thought i'd have a problem with the ceremony and the realization that my mom won't be there. that actually didn't phase me; it was the groom/mother-of-the-groom dance that had me welling up. sometimes it's just so sad, and there's rarely anyone who understands because they're all too young to have experiences like mine. luckily, that's not what i remember first and foremost about the wedding, which is great for my memory bank. i just wonder how much harder it's going to be before it gets easier. that's something that i dread.

insurance doesn't care about mental health

i just got a letter from my insurance company requesting my therapist fill out a form as to why i'm in therapy, my diagnosis, and the approximate remaining duration of my time in therapy. they won't reimburse me until the form is returned, so the huge amount of money that is owed to me ($1000+) is not forthcoming. great.

and yet, as much at it upsets, annoys, and angers me, i'm surprisingly calm about it. this is the biggest proof i have that the brain candy is obviously working. i'm not throwing a fit, i know the problem will be resolved, my money will come, and if it doesn't then i'll make a huge stink. there's just no use worrying about it at 6pm on a saturday night. i'm so proud of myself i can barely stand it. this is a huge step for me, and i feel really victorios in my fight against depression. granted, it could all change in an instant, but at this moment, i feel really good.