thinking in the shower

i always think best in the bathroom. for some reason, it's a place i can just zone out and focus, especially while i'm in the shower or brushing my teeth. today i'm worried about money, my career after i finish grad school, getting my work done, and appreciating my time with my mom. the money thing is really tearing me up. i decided not to take out private loans, which was a mistake, and have seriously eroded my savings. i'm supposed to live on $9k a year, which will never happen because my rent is more than $1000/month. i always assumed i'd have a job by this point, and that would provide me with an income to live a comfortably frugal lifestyle. instead, every month is a financial battle, especially now that my insurance is screwing me over. i don't know if i even want to be part of my field-i need to figure out my interests, and where i fit in because i don't want to be part of the flourescent-light, 9-5, losing part of my soul every day for a very very small amount of money. i can make more doing almost anything than i can in my field, something i didn't really realize when i got into it. i also didn't think that i'd be in this particular position in my life of caring for my dying parent. i'm really confused and feeling not right. coupled with a summer job application that's due this week for a position i'm not even sure i want, or could even take depending on what happens with mom, my regular course load which is heavier this week, needing to exercise and join weight watchers to do something about the incontrollable binge eating, and trying not to have a breakdown is a lot to handle for me right now. the things that keep me on track, i.e. tennis and therapy, cost more than i feel comfortable spending, so extra tennis time is out. i'm just very tense and stressed out. but keeping a smile and happy attitude nonetheless even though i'm starting to despise being at the house. life is just very hard right now, and i don't see it getting easier any time in the near future. i'm juggling so many things that i'm worried about what will happen when things inevitably start to fall down.