stuffing (as in the kind that goes in a turkey)

every year growing up, my mother would make giant brand stuffing for thanksgiving. the best part was the little bit that got really crunchy because the turkey cavity was overloaded and the stuffing would attempt to escape. i always managed to eat that part before anyone else, because i was 'testing' it. last year, we wouldn't really let mom do much for thanksgiving because we were worried about her coordination with knives. this year, she's not even physically able to come downstairs and help make the meal.

so, A and i went to giant to find the stuffing. it was in a bag, not a box or a cannister; it has been in the same packaging since i can remember thanksgiving meals. this year, it was nowhere to be found. it seems that the stuffing has been discontinued. i almost became a crying mess in the grocery store because the symbolism was too overwhelming. no more stuffing, no more mother. i asked every employee i ran into if he or she happened to know what happened to the stuffing, and no one had an answer. finally, A and i found a loaf of 'herbed bread,' giant brand, that is supposedly intended for use as stuffing. it smelled like the correct item, but didn't have any instructions as how to make the loaf become a delicious mass of dense, moist flavor. we bought the bread, partially because A thought i was going to lose it, and partially because i truely think it's the correct item. we'll see how it goes, but moments like this are overwhelming.

last weekend, i went to a wedding. i thought i'd have a problem with the ceremony and the realization that my mom won't be there. that actually didn't phase me; it was the groom/mother-of-the-groom dance that had me welling up. sometimes it's just so sad, and there's rarely anyone who understands because they're all too young to have experiences like mine. luckily, that's not what i remember first and foremost about the wedding, which is great for my memory bank. i just wonder how much harder it's going to be before it gets easier. that's something that i dread.