hitting the wall

i'm exhausted. physically, i'm falling apart. mentally, i'm only hanging on my fingernails. i was lucky to have a whirlwind 36 hours in nyc, but now i'm even more exhausted than i was before i went. and the awful part is that the only way that this will change is when my mom dies. i just want everything to be the way it was, before the tumor flipped our lives upside-down. but that can't be; it can never be that way again. i'm tired of responsibility, duty, guilt. and all of this interferes with my quality time with my mom, which makes me feel even worse. i'm just so sad about the state of my life, of our lives, the lives of people who know us and love us and especially those who support me in ways that i can never repay because they watch the internal struggles and see the exhaustion written in every line of my face and in the defeated presence that comes over my body when i've left the house. sometimes it's just too much.