one year

today is the one year anniversary of my mother's death.

it's hit me much, much harder than i thought it would. i was really ok until everything started to go to shit with my last paper, and i was walking down the street trying not to cry after the postal worker at my local post office was rude and unhelpful.

i'm slightly consoled by the weirdness of this morning. as i was printing my paper, the ink cartridge ran out, right around time of the morning that my mom died last year. and then watching tv to try and fall asleep, the song came on which reminds me the most of her, and all of those memories came flooding back-her last moments before she actually died, heartbreak which i have felt many times this pat year, and and how much i miss her every day.

and i'm tired, and have a short fuse today, and am dreading this upcoming weekend of family time and going to the cemetery with people being sad and pitying the situation and the loss of my mom, and performing the committment ceremony of my dear friend while being reminded very moment that my mother will never get to be at my wedding. i love that i'm performing the ceremony, but absolutely hate the outside feelings which will crowd my thoughts when i should be focused on uniting my two friends.

i feel that i have to be strong, and not cry, and not show how much i'm hurting or how much i miss her. not only my family and their friends, but for my mom, who wasn't really good at the deep emotional thing. but i'm going to want to cry. and weep and scream and sob uncontrollably but whenever i do i get a headache, and the rational side of me knows it won't do any good. so i won't. but i'll be close to the edge, and pretending that everythings ok.

i'm ready for this phase of my life to be over. i'm ready to be done with the pain and the sorrow and the agony and the constant, constant, sadness which i try to ignore but has been a huge part of my life for the last four years.

i love you and miss you tremendously.