inhale, exhale
A has been away this past week,and I took up the "on-call" post. and now it's tuesday, and i'm exhausted. i decided i wasn't going to stay at the house; if there was a problem, i was just a phone call away. it was all fine until sunday, when i had a fantastic day with mom. so great that i was convinced that this latest treatment was definitely working and that they might throw us out of hospice. we discussed the target ad, and had a great conversation where she used full sentences, and i totally understood the other non-words she was saying, and it was phenomenal.
and then monday, her communication skills were as bad as pre-sunday, possibly worse, and i became frustrated because i was upset she wasn't really better. today, in addition to be tired and it was a grey day, my plans for putting some effort into my appearance were postponed due to circumstances beyond my controand. it was just a culmination of the disappointment in the entire last few days, and i felt like a prisoner. i'm tired of always being there, always hanging out or just simply being in the same room because no one else around, and i just couldn't handle it today. even though i ultimately got to go out, i just wasn't in the mood. luckily, everything was too big and shape-less, but i so desperately wanted to put on that magic outfit that would transform my mood, and it didn't happen.
so, that's where we are. every time there's a high point, something brings it crashing down. i just can't shake this feeling anymore. and when i spoke to my father about it, he tried to commiserate. unfortunately, i'm picking up his slack right now, so i have no sympathy and cannot agree because i'm annoyed and disappointed in him. i'm trying to get better by remembering that he really took care of mom during the first 1.5 year, and it was only after the 3rd treatment failed that he bailed out of the situation. so, i have less than no desire to do any homework, and i think i'm going to curl up in bed and watch tv and try to wait out this latest down moment.
and then monday, her communication skills were as bad as pre-sunday, possibly worse, and i became frustrated because i was upset she wasn't really better. today, in addition to be tired and it was a grey day, my plans for putting some effort into my appearance were postponed due to circumstances beyond my controand. it was just a culmination of the disappointment in the entire last few days, and i felt like a prisoner. i'm tired of always being there, always hanging out or just simply being in the same room because no one else around, and i just couldn't handle it today. even though i ultimately got to go out, i just wasn't in the mood. luckily, everything was too big and shape-less, but i so desperately wanted to put on that magic outfit that would transform my mood, and it didn't happen.
so, that's where we are. every time there's a high point, something brings it crashing down. i just can't shake this feeling anymore. and when i spoke to my father about it, he tried to commiserate. unfortunately, i'm picking up his slack right now, so i have no sympathy and cannot agree because i'm annoyed and disappointed in him. i'm trying to get better by remembering that he really took care of mom during the first 1.5 year, and it was only after the 3rd treatment failed that he bailed out of the situation. so, i have less than no desire to do any homework, and i think i'm going to curl up in bed and watch tv and try to wait out this latest down moment.
posted by j @ 5:32 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:19 PM,
Christine said…
Hey, thank you for the comment on my blog. I hope things are getting better. I know how stressful caretaking can be and can completely understand the frustration you have towards your father. There were a lot of family arguments when dad was sick because the situation was so stressful. Good luck.
At 8:19 PM,
Christine said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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