broken record

i'm all out of sorts, again. AGAIN. i hate this feeling. A is back in town, and immediately my stress level rockets skyward. i realize it is her way of dealing with things, but i feel as though every thing i do is questioned and made out to be not as good as what she would have done. i'm trying to be really fine with it, becuase everyone deals with things differently. it's also a combination of realizing that the upcoming weeks/months are going to be fraught with the anticipation that we're going to fall downhill at any moment and then it's all going to be over, and i don't want it to be over. i don't want her to die, or have a stroke, or have any of these other horrible side effects that come with brain tumors. i just want my mom back; i don't want to lose her. i had a dream this morning that i was at a cemetery, and there was a cafeteria, and everyone was all happy and chipper,and even though i wasn't sure she was dead yet, i went and lay down on top of where her grave would be. and there were big fat snakes everywhere, and it was just so disturbing on so many levels that i couldn't shake the feeling all day. i don't want to keep going with school, or the internship, or anything becuase i feel as though it will preoccupy my time when i just should be hanging out with my mom and figuring out new ways to make her laugh and not take things too seriously. and i'm starting to lose my appetite, which i realize is psychosomatic but that doesn't make me want to eat. and i hate crying because it gives me a headache, so i fight the urge as much as possible until i sit down to write these entries and then i'm half-bawling, half angry with myself for crying in the first place. this is just such an awful situation, and the only thing that will make it go away is when she's gone, and that's not what i want, so i'm left in this terrible purgatory-esque state with nowhere to go but down, realistically.