monday's questions
today was the second hard day in a row. today was phyically and mentally demanding, whereas yesterday was just mentally difficult. i'm starting to realize that perhaps the timline given very ubruptly last week by a very insensitive general doctor was more on the mark than i wanted to believe.
mom's body is beginning to shut down, and she's starting to realize this, which is devastating. we can really no longer move her, which cements her bedridden status which i took to be a choice, not a necessity. now i realize how wrong i was. we're headed into final stages, and i just don't want her to suffer. and i feel like she's suffering now, and my solution of moving her downstairs to minimize the nausea and vomiting is falling on deaf ears, just as it did last week. i'm really not sure what it is going to take: either we stop all treatment and keep her upstairs for good, or we continue treatment that is not going to work (realistically, honestly, and all that) and move her downstairs.
i was on the receiving end of some of up close and personal physical deterioration today, but missed the other major bout where she was crying and unhappy and realizing that her body is really incapable of functioning in a way she can understand. and that's really difficult to hear. i thought in the beginning that mom didn't understand what was going on; now i realize that she understands everything pretty clearly (some things not as well, but when she focuses she really gets it) and she knows that things are not good.
i just want to protect her from any type of hurt and sadness that i can, even though i'm the daughter and she's my mom. i hate this role reveral. it shouldn't be this hard this early in life. this is particularly long and drawn-out, and it's so very grueling to watch the erosion take place. i'm worried we're done with the plateau and are heading into a very bad landslide, much of which will occur while i'm gone. what can i do from 5,000 miles away? will they even tell me how bad it is while i'm gone? and will i even want to know, or prefer to pretend that it's going to be ok so i don't feel as guilty being gone?
mom's body is beginning to shut down, and she's starting to realize this, which is devastating. we can really no longer move her, which cements her bedridden status which i took to be a choice, not a necessity. now i realize how wrong i was. we're headed into final stages, and i just don't want her to suffer. and i feel like she's suffering now, and my solution of moving her downstairs to minimize the nausea and vomiting is falling on deaf ears, just as it did last week. i'm really not sure what it is going to take: either we stop all treatment and keep her upstairs for good, or we continue treatment that is not going to work (realistically, honestly, and all that) and move her downstairs.
i was on the receiving end of some of up close and personal physical deterioration today, but missed the other major bout where she was crying and unhappy and realizing that her body is really incapable of functioning in a way she can understand. and that's really difficult to hear. i thought in the beginning that mom didn't understand what was going on; now i realize that she understands everything pretty clearly (some things not as well, but when she focuses she really gets it) and she knows that things are not good.
i just want to protect her from any type of hurt and sadness that i can, even though i'm the daughter and she's my mom. i hate this role reveral. it shouldn't be this hard this early in life. this is particularly long and drawn-out, and it's so very grueling to watch the erosion take place. i'm worried we're done with the plateau and are heading into a very bad landslide, much of which will occur while i'm gone. what can i do from 5,000 miles away? will they even tell me how bad it is while i'm gone? and will i even want to know, or prefer to pretend that it's going to be ok so i don't feel as guilty being gone?
posted by j @ 7:35 PM
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